Coffee Shop Etiquette
| DO | develop a taste for generic frothy milk | |
| DON'T | expect sublime palate stimulation | |
| DO | develop a working knowledge of coffee terminology; know your Mocha from your Americano and master the art of talking Italian in an American accent. | |
| DON'T | expect two spoons of Nescafe in a mug | |
| DO | say "double skinny decaf strawberry latte whip" | |
| DON'T | say "can I just have a coffee?" | |
| DO | say 'tall' | |
| DON'T | say 'big' | |
| DO | say 'grande' | |
| DON'T | say 'dead big' | |
| DO | ask for "one to flee" - this will allow you to walk off proudly with your drink in a self-contained cardboard kiddy cup | |
| DON'T | ask for "one to fleece" - this will draw attention to the exorbidant cost of your beverage! | |
| DO | give your order to a harassed barista who will then promtly relay it in a loud voice to a colleague's back | |
| DON'T | expect to be languidly served by a toothless old matriarch wearing a stained apron and with an endless supply of gossip | |
| DO | get a fat-free low carbohydrate biscotti to eat with your coffee | |
| DON'T | comment on how it resembles the rusks of your youth | |
| DO | hang precariously by one buttock on an undersized counter stool while drinking your coffee and reading a suitably chic magazine - Wallpaper should do the trick! | |
| DON'T | expect tablecloths, fake flowers and encrusted sugar bowls | |
| DO | drink your coffee in the 90 seconds before it gets cold | |
| DON'T | mention the word tepid | |
| DO | embrace to your heart the soulless homogenity of the express coffee business | |
| DON'T | mourn the passing of the greasy spoon |
Dave